Dear Mom,
“It’s all about you, and you make sure of that. Your wants, needs, and demands are always the main focus. Everything must be done your way, or it’s not acceptable. You never stop to consider that others have rights too. In your eyes, you know what is best and are always right, and I have to fall in line or incur your wrath, displeasure, and disappointment.
You are completely self-serving. You use every situation to fulfill your needs. You are blind to others’ needs, deaf to their emotions, and expert at manipulation. You work hard to trigger my guilt, sadness, rage, and constantly berate, blame, and criticize me, and I am always miserable around you.
How I long for some sign that you like or love me, but in all my years with you, I’ve never felt this, and this lack affects me deeply. As I was growing up, you never showed any understanding of what I was feeling, and when I tried to make you understand, you either ignored or minimized my feelings, or became angry and said that I was ungrateful or disrespectful for criticizing you.”
That’s a passage from Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, and it perfectly describes my reality.
This is a personal post. These are the things we don’t talk about. I need to finally say them, and this feels like the safest, freest place I can do so. People are upset with me for speaking up—several of my closest relations and the same people who should have been my support system. They call me a liar and say I’m ungrateful and selfish. They want me to stay in the diminished, submissive, subservient role I’ve always held. I won’t do it anymore – not for them. Not for anything.
If someone asks you to sacrifice your mental and emotional health in order to spare their feelings, they’re wrong, toxic, and dangerous. Period.
I write unhealthy parent-child relationships into almost every single one of my stories. This is why. Writing is how I’ve dealt with my own pain, striving for growth and clarity through my characters. This past New Year’s Eve, after a particularly explosive and cruel incident, I hit the wall. I couldn’t go a single step farther. Enough was enough, and I said so. They really didn’t like it. Since then, I’ve been trying to break the cycle, break contact and begin to heal myself. It’s still a work in progress and the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it has been helping. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, though the anxiety is a constant struggle. There are other members of my family that are displeased with my efforts and the ways I’ve disrupted the emotional and practical balance of my family of origin. They blame me, entirely. They want me to do what has always been expected when Mom gets upset—shut up and take it, then beg forgiveness for making her so angry.
That’s abuse. I’m not going to be their victim anymore. I’m also not going to allow them to place my husband or my kids in the path of my mother’s fury just to help vent her emotional turmoil following the death of my youngest brother, who was another one of her victims and the only other person in my entire extended family who believed this was wrong and understood what I’ve suffered my whole life.
It’s not okay. Being a grieving mother is not an excuse to treat your only daughter like nothing more than a handy emotional punching bag. I deserve better than this. My kind-hearted brother deserved so much better than this. She will never be the type of mother I’ve dreamed of having, so I’m letting her go, and mourning the loss of the fantasy mother and happy childhood I never had. For those who don’t believe me, it’s not my job to convince you. My only job is to take care of myself, my husband, and my kids, to the very best of my ability.
If you, somewhere out there in the world and reading this, can relate to any part of what I’ve said, I’m asking you to please make the choice to take care of yourself first. No matter what the relationship is that’s hurting you—parent, sibling, spouse, friend—you deserve better, too. You deserve love, respect, and kindness. If someone tries to hurt you, get away from them. Protect yourself. You’ll be so much happier and you’re stronger than you know.
I love my mother, and all of my family, but I need to take care of myself first, no matter what that means. Now, I’m taking healthy steps forward. I hope they find a way to do the same.
“Applauding you for taking a stand” Dear Lynn, This breaks my heart to read this and know that you have had to deal with this your entire life. I don’t understand what you speak of on a personal level. My mother has been deceased for 30 years, but when she was alive she was my best friend.
Not always, she was pretty strict and I had my moments of resenting some of her actions, but as I grew into an adult and married and then became pregnant we connected on a new and better level. Unfortunately, she passed away when my twins were only 6 months old so I’ve been without her for a very long time.
But, I do know people who behave and think they are always right, no matter the subject. Who are very selfish in their own actions and towards others. They think nothing about manipulating people to come to their side of thinking or who they may hurt in the process. I always think that these type of people are so miserable and unhappy that they have to bring others down to their level in order to have any enjoyment in life, at all. And it’s kind of sad, really, that they only no misery.
Unfortunately, they can’t see what they are doing or just refuse, and no matter how hard we try they aren’t going to change or get it. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you, and I’m sure will continue to be for some time, but it sounds like you have finally said enough is enough.
I honestly believe that once you marry and have children that they become your immediate family and we owe it to them to give the best of us we can. I’ve been told many times that if mom (meaning me..you..) is not healthy and doing everything in our power to be healthy then we can not possibly be giving our kids what they need from us.
I know from past comments and posts that you have an amazing husband and kids and I know they stand beside you every step of the way. I support you, as well, and even though we don’t know each other on a face to face basis I still consider you a dear friend. Hugs to you and your family <3
Thank you so much, Kathy. I consider you a dear friend as well. The support from you and the rest of the writing community has been one of the main things that has helped me these past few years to find my inner strength and really believe in myself. When you’re raised with constant criticism that tries to keep you small and easily manipulated, it wrecks your self-confidence in so many ways. Speaking up for myself and talking about my experiences are important for me, but I hope doing so inspires others as well. It sounds like you were truly blessed with your relationship with your mom and I’m sure she watches over you constantly. I deeply appreciate your message & big hugs for you too <3
I have no idea what to say, because I have no idea of what you have been/are suffering. My childhood and growing up was happy, and I loved both my parents to bits – even though I argued through my teens with my mum, and doted on and preferred to deal with my dad – so I have nothing to gauge your feelings.
All I can offer is a tentative support in that I believe you are doing the right thing for you and your (immediate) family; and I wish I could do more to help than just this.
So, for what it’s worth: – good on ya!!
**hugs** and love and **cuddles** if you need them
Thank you for the support, Carole-Ann! It took me an astonishingly long time to realize the environment in which I was raised wasn’t normal, and the reasons for why I was so miserable all the time. I wouldn’t wish my experiences on anyone, so I’m truly glad you can’t specifically relate but deeply appreciate your message and the sentiments within it. Hugs & love & cuddles for you too.
So sorry you are going through this and I can’t imagine what it must be like. I am glad that you are taking care of yourself and starting to heal and sharing your story with others who may be in the same position. I wish you nothing but the best. <3
Thank you so much, Debra! I’m deep in the process of trying to act in ways that are healthiest for me instead of easiest. I appreciate the support <3
Lynn, first and foremost I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this kind of trauma. I know this level of bone deep pain very well.
This kind of trauma is very difficult to move on from, ( I know from personal experience) but acknowledging that you deserved better is the first and most important step.
I commend you for your bravery & honestly.
Love & hugs…
Kim
Oh, Kim, I’m so sorry to hear you can relate to this. All the hugs and lots of love to you. It is really challenging work to find ways to disengage from someone who’s got their hooks in you this deeply. For me, with it being my mother, it’s effected my entire life in countless ways, but no matter who it is or why they’re doing it, it’s just not okay. I only wish more people could see the truth when this type of thing happens, but there’s just so many lies that do to convincing a job at covering it up.
No one wants to believe that mothers can be toxic & damaging. So more often than not the child/victim is blamed for the mothers short comings. It’s taken me close to a decade to convince those around me that I wasn’t a bad child. My mother was the problem & continues to be. You are completely right when you say it scars you on so many level that it makes simple life experiences difficult. But you are not alone and your pain & strength is acknowledged!
Lynn, first and foremost I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through all this. I know this kind of bone deep pain very well. Your words have me crying in bed. Trauma of this kind is very difficult to move on from ( I know from personal experience) but acknowledging that you deserve & want better for yourself is the first and most important step. I commend you for your bravery & honestly.
Love & lots of hugs.
Kim
Dear Lynn,
think about it this way, maybe she doesn’t know any better, maybe her own mom didn’t show her how to love and care. Lynn, u can’t ask someone to give you something he never has.
Don’t cut all ties. Be happy , live your life but always keep that thin thread , trust me you will sleep better at night and you will feel much better about yourself. Why? Because you are better
Good luck
I hear you, Lina. I’ve actually been maintaining a polite but distant and detached interaction with my parents. They keep pushing for more, but I can’t give them more than I already am right now. It’s very possible if not probable that my mother experienced the same treatment, but that’s not enough for me to forgive her.
Thank you <3
Hi Lynn, you don’t know me as I’m not much of an interactor but I do love your books and always read your posts. I’m so sorry for what you went through with your brother and how your mother has behaved. It might sound like an odd thing to think about someone I have never met or spoken to, but I wanted to tell you how proud I was of how you have dealt with this and I hope you get to a happier place soon X
Thank you so much for your message <3 It means a lot that you took the time to post it, especially if you don't usually do so. Thank you for the kindness and for reading. Hugs.